There are moments when men long for days gone by, for simpler times. The action advertisement above, featuring a vibrant and beardless Chuck Norris kicking ass, is one of those moments. In this land of milk and honey, where everyone gets whatever they want, whenever they want, why can’t men like us go out and buy some Action Jeans so we can better perform our activities?
The fact that we can’t gives further credence to the theory that men of a certain age no longer matter in our society. Men that just want to buy Burt Reynold’s Smokey & The Bandit Trans Am for an amount less that $450,000 are ignored. Men that would like to keep a sword in the house in case the opportunity to dramatically open a bottle of champagne arises are laughed at. And men that would like to purchase a couple of pair of Chuck Norris Action Jeans for a reasonable price are in for a world of disappointment.
A search on Amazon–the world’s supermarket– yields no results. The engine can only find a few of his old DVD’s and some dumb books about snuff takers. I don’t even know what that means. It seems the Chuck Norris Action Jeans have been discontinued.
So all we have left are dreams. Dreams of the activities we could easily perform if only we had a comfortable pair of Chuck Norris Action Jeans and some worn boots to don. Things like:
- Do martial arts at the rodeo
- Round-House kick some fools on casual Friday
- Go antiquing
- Cooking a barbecue
- Little repairs around the house that your wife is always nagging you about
- Crane-kicking that d-bag Johnny from Karate Kid at an impromptu UCF match
- Openin’ a can of whoop ass
- Watching Real Housewives of Atlanta
Stay strong, men. Someday the pendulum will swing back our way. Someday the genius marketers will realize that we’re the real consumers, not those tweens and Soccer Moms that they all fall over. And when it happens, you can bet I’ll be first in line for a brand new pair of Chuck Norris Western Action Jeans.